Someone Please Turn down the Brightness on mY big Computer Screen of life!! ......>< ....

Man I am hungry, But I feel sick, So I wont eat.

Sigh**

I’m not having a great day. Yesterday, My friends came over from the building, they got high! It was funny, I like it when they do that. In a sense that I find it Fascinating! I wont do it my self, but wow.

I am tired.

Last night I had a Hour and 21 minute call with Alex. Lets say it made me think and I am not soo happy about it.

I am not Angry I am not Furious, I am not at the point of chairs flying and babies crying. Just alittle upset that’s all.

Okay, that’s done.


Now, I am going to talk to you about something, Weird. If you would mind turning off your criticism and reality meters… thanks so much..

Have you noticed that there is two Janelle’s? Not physically but mentally??!


Mature ( I don’t like that word) Janelle:

Out side of school there is a person who Is all knowing all powerful. She can walk into a building by her self and smile at the secretary. She likes to go on walks, and will climb a tree or two if in the right clothing. She laughs at things that are Funny, and gets annoyed at things that are Stupid. She is Great to have around at parties. She can make a Sex Joke about Anything. She Has a beautiful boyfriend who loves her very much. In the winter she will pick up a snowball and hit you with it! She will say sorry and do it again. She doesn’t like to be the center of attention., and likes to listen to her music on the bus with no interruptions. She loves to work, it’s her pass time. She likes to be part of something. Have mind set on something. She has Dreams and goals. She will do almost anything for it. She likes to tell stories of what Nova Scotia used to be like. She giggles when she is shy. But devoted, as she is, she can be persuaded to do what ever you suggest. She loves to Give food to others even though she has hardly any. She doesn’t ever expect anything back! Ever.


Doesn’t sound like me eh? Well that’s me in a nut shell.. out side of school


Happy-go-lucky.( love to say that words..) Janelle.

Its almost everyday you see her jumping up and down the halls listening to Miyavi or gackt. Slamming you into the locker playfully, Hugging and kissing her best friends with out any sort of Love Motion at all. She is Exsentric and Playful! She is out of control. She won’t stop talking, she has something to say all the time. She LOVES Attention and craves it regularly. It hurts her to be rejected and will hate you in a drop of a dime. She has a problem with some people who will remain nameless. She makes funny noises in Class and Argues with the teacher always. She used Japanese in most of her speech when Yes and Is that so are involved. She is always right even if she is wrong, or both are right and leave it at that. She has a problem of not having any secrets and showing her personality as an open book…which says " LOOK AT ME!"…. she is a Bitch. She is weird and has funky hair. She makes fun of others when they are not looking. She isn’t not devoted to much other then Future goals. She loves to procrastinate. If you just met her you would think she has ADHD. Or on some sort of drug.

This is bad, very very bad. Put these two girls in a room and you will see hell rise.

Now my inner self is fighting.


Sooo you want o know something.

You do not know me… my friends at school. You think you do hunn, Jonah, yes you have some sort of Idea. Which is hardly me. But you know so much.

Should I explain?

..meh, sure.

Mature, this is from years of being neglected and living in Motels for a good 2 years. I have learned to take care of myself from my experiences. I Love to go out doors and play! I like trying new things and relaxing. I love being Stable.

But I also Love being Crazy. But that personality isn’t excepted. Nope… not in the real world..

can’t pull it off. I tried.

Now its ruining me.

My Happy-go-lucky personality. Wow where do I start!!! Man, this personality was developed to keep the demons with’in!! I Used to me Very violent, out of control in the negative term. To come to terms with what I was doing I had to look at it through another perspective. Anime is to blame. I was told I had an "attitude" and much Fucknig change or I will fucking get it. So I did. I adopted Duo Maxwell’s Personality to a tee. And then I did it with a lot of other characters that I saw were loved and respected just because . Sadly I forgot it wasn’t real. I had to Hide my Sadness and Anger with something that wasn’t me, SO I wouldn’t blow up! I had to calm down, but to calm down I had to get Crazy. Happy-go-lucky crazy.

I am loved and respected. Yes I am I am so loved. I am so loved. I am so…liked.’

My life sucks, my past Haunts me. I want to cry 24-7 but Like I always say " I ran out of tears".. but you haven’t heard me say that have you:? I used to say it almost every week, I used to sit in my rom and say " tears are nothing bed water coming from the eyes." To stop me from crying.
Over time I became heartless. I didn’t care about anyone but myself., But I was Loved. Or so I thought. This personality I adopted wasn’t respected at the age I was at, so instead of fitting in and becoming calm and loved. I became Hated. But this is all I know! Well I did..
The I got a job for the first time..

After a couple slaps in the face I realized that life can’t just be ANIME and fun and games, its about making ends meet!! But what is money when you can have happyness?
OHHHHH that was hard to find out too!


So I became Mature…. And Happy go lucky.. At the same time..

Power struggle..

After time I realized in high school if you happy go lucky, you are loved. Not like Middle school.

And if you are mature Outside of school, Adults will take you seriously.

SO what am I supposed to do?

Cry it off.

I am going to try it again. I am going to play it all on the table. I am going to look at my lip ring and my hair and my life from Your point of view. MY brain isn’t not a democracy!
Man I am thirsty.

My life in Nova Scotia was perfect. Trees parks to play in. Little money but I was happy. Me and Jilleen where best friends. No one cared about us, but we had each other.

Hills to climb

Ice cream to eat

Teepees to make

Rain to dance in

Snow to build forts

Peoples shoulders to cry on.

It hurts now, I am to Selfish, Conceded. Condescending. Greedy. Blunt.

It Really hurts to loose, Happy, Crazy, outgoing, out of control ness. WOWness.

I am at that point where I am telling myself to

"grow the hell up"

and why am I not questioning it???

I am scared. I do not want to loose you!

Its hard, I got everything I ever wanted!!

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

Go to Japan – loose your personality or loose the one you love.

Its hard to compromise. But over time being mature will seep back in..

I have nothing to hide anymore, I have no stresses no depressing thoughts. Not Problems.

Why be happy go lucky any more right?

So I can make some people feel better?

Holy shit. What have I done?..

No one can help me. I am gone, I am lost in thought. Don’t tell me what to do. I have to choose. I have to do something myself.

To change or not to change.

Does it hurt to read this?..

Hold your head up high baby, I love you so much I am not going anywhere. I will still care about you if you dump me, I will still talk to you! I have made up my mind. I will change that for you right now. I wont hate you. I just wont.

Jonah, sorry but it’s got to be this way.

Kitty, I will still love you as a friend

For some odd reason I feel like I am slowly killing someone inside me.

Owch.That hurt.